2016 has begun... In the last few weeks, I have reminisced all those years which have flown past me. 29 of those years. thousands of moments, millions of emotions. Now that I am nearing the big 30, I am panicking. Why am I panicking? What have I done in the last 29 years? What have I achieved? Have I realized any of my dreams? Did I have dreams? Looking at all that I have done in the past, I haven't done anything I really, desperately wanted to do. I did dream, I dreamed of different things, I tried my hand at different things, but the stream of normality was just too strong. I just sailed with others, beside others, shattering my dreams and the differences. I did dream, but I wasn't motivated enough, didn't try enough. Lest I would have been living a different life.
Do I dream , how my life would be if I made the 'other' choices? Nope!I don't live in dreamland. It is a very hypothetical situation, I can only make assumptions with no way to confirm those assumptions, so no point wasting time on it. Do I regret anything? I tell myself that I regret many of my choices. I could have been better. But to be candid, deep down in my heart, I don't regret any of my decisions. They were part of me, they were by the part of me which was not mature enough, not strong enough, not brave enough. But I respect that part as it has tried very hard to learn, to improve and to become who i am today. And I am still learning. I am nothing without that part.
During childhood, we are curious, never afraid to dream big. But we need great mentor, good opportunities, and relevant exposure to wide range of information and support, so that we can choose what is best for us. If we don't have that, then we tend to think that our dreams are too big to realize and shrink it day by day, year by year. Dreams change, they change to fit into the contemporary. Why? We secretly resist change, we don't want to look or feel different to others, we want to get along with others. What others think is more important than what we think of ourselves.
All these years, I have grown bit by bit. I have achieved things which I never thought of. I am awfully proud of that. But I have not reached that threshold in my life, where I want to swear by my heart and say, "I love my life, this is what I want from my life, and this is who I want to be for the rest of my life until I breathe my last breath". I am constantly searching for that little door which will lead me to the above line. Lot of trial and error, but I don't mind trying even if I fail.I have lost a lot of opportunities during this process, just because of my attitude, pure lack of effort and procrastination. I need to change, I have the potential and willpower to change. I try to visualize the perfect future me everyday, but I just have a blurry glimpse of it. I am trying to tweak the jigsaw pieces to make them come together to make a clearer picture. What is it I want in the end? To be successful in my career? To be more family oriented? To save the world from misery? May be a mixture of all? I don't know yet.
I have written a list of things that I want to achieve this year, and I have accountability partners. But they are very superfluous, materialistic, selfish. But they are a way forwards to achieve the new me. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy, free and make peace with myself, others and the world, whatever that might mean. I need to say yes to all the opportunities that come along my way, I need to let go of things that are holding me back, I need to work hard on my dreams, I need to stick with my goals, I need to read more and write more, I need to be motivated, be inspired and inspire others, I need to express gratitude, I need to better my communication, I need to make more friends. I need to do a lot of things, and I need to be a lot of things. But what I really need to do is 'enjoy the process while I do it, be alive during the journey, and live in the moment'. The end result is not important, I might win, I might not. But the journey will always be in my memory beside me. May be not the whole journey, but the feelings associated with my journey will be safely locked away in the Amygdala of my brain, bookcase of mine not easily shaken away.
With all this in my mind, I welcome this new year with open heart and open arms. I have 365 blank pages (Well , 355 now) to write my story, be it a better one. Here's a cheer to the new year and a new 'ME'- happy, free and at peace!!
Much Love
Sh
Do I dream , how my life would be if I made the 'other' choices? Nope!I don't live in dreamland. It is a very hypothetical situation, I can only make assumptions with no way to confirm those assumptions, so no point wasting time on it. Do I regret anything? I tell myself that I regret many of my choices. I could have been better. But to be candid, deep down in my heart, I don't regret any of my decisions. They were part of me, they were by the part of me which was not mature enough, not strong enough, not brave enough. But I respect that part as it has tried very hard to learn, to improve and to become who i am today. And I am still learning. I am nothing without that part.
During childhood, we are curious, never afraid to dream big. But we need great mentor, good opportunities, and relevant exposure to wide range of information and support, so that we can choose what is best for us. If we don't have that, then we tend to think that our dreams are too big to realize and shrink it day by day, year by year. Dreams change, they change to fit into the contemporary. Why? We secretly resist change, we don't want to look or feel different to others, we want to get along with others. What others think is more important than what we think of ourselves.
All these years, I have grown bit by bit. I have achieved things which I never thought of. I am awfully proud of that. But I have not reached that threshold in my life, where I want to swear by my heart and say, "I love my life, this is what I want from my life, and this is who I want to be for the rest of my life until I breathe my last breath". I am constantly searching for that little door which will lead me to the above line. Lot of trial and error, but I don't mind trying even if I fail.I have lost a lot of opportunities during this process, just because of my attitude, pure lack of effort and procrastination. I need to change, I have the potential and willpower to change. I try to visualize the perfect future me everyday, but I just have a blurry glimpse of it. I am trying to tweak the jigsaw pieces to make them come together to make a clearer picture. What is it I want in the end? To be successful in my career? To be more family oriented? To save the world from misery? May be a mixture of all? I don't know yet.
I have written a list of things that I want to achieve this year, and I have accountability partners. But they are very superfluous, materialistic, selfish. But they are a way forwards to achieve the new me. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy, free and make peace with myself, others and the world, whatever that might mean. I need to say yes to all the opportunities that come along my way, I need to let go of things that are holding me back, I need to work hard on my dreams, I need to stick with my goals, I need to read more and write more, I need to be motivated, be inspired and inspire others, I need to express gratitude, I need to better my communication, I need to make more friends. I need to do a lot of things, and I need to be a lot of things. But what I really need to do is 'enjoy the process while I do it, be alive during the journey, and live in the moment'. The end result is not important, I might win, I might not. But the journey will always be in my memory beside me. May be not the whole journey, but the feelings associated with my journey will be safely locked away in the Amygdala of my brain, bookcase of mine not easily shaken away.
With all this in my mind, I welcome this new year with open heart and open arms. I have 365 blank pages (Well , 355 now) to write my story, be it a better one. Here's a cheer to the new year and a new 'ME'- happy, free and at peace!!
Much Love
Sh
